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Mid-February thoughts


Kris' WoW playing is killing me. I can't upload pictures in the evening when he's home, lest I destroy his lag time. I can't upload photos during the day when he's not home, because that's when I'm working. I guess there's the 4 hours when we're both asleep that I could use, but that requires either I get up and push the "upload now" button, or he pushes it before he goes to bed. Or, we need a faster internet connection so that uploading 600 pictures doesn't take for-ev-ver, as it does now.

I definitely need to find my balance again. These last two weeks have completely wrecked me. Resolution #23 for this year has been to live deliberately, which means actually being balanced enough to adjust to the changes and adversity coming at me. I feel I've lost much of that balance these last few weeks, and very much need it back. I can't believe it's the nineteenth already this month. I feel I have so little to show for it.

The rain tonight was interesting. It's been a while since I was outside during the rain. I had forgotten how the world smells during a rain storm. It's so easy to be distracted when hustling through the rain, trying not to get wet. Stopping for a moment, allowing myself to just be during the downpour, to hear the rain as it taps my hood, to smell the air, to feel the rain as it soaks through my pants (knowing full well I won't melt when it does), was a nice change the usual dash.

Not having Jessica and Gaby around makes the house a lot more quiet and a little lonely. Given we've known each other for approaching three decades now (no, no, Jess, you're not *that* old), we share a level of intimacy about each other that makes me uncomfortable in retrospect. She knows stories from our childhood that I've spent years running from. She knows the small words, said casually, without thinking, that have had huge impacts in my life. It's easy to just let my guard down with her, in ways that I don't with any of the friends I've made as an adult. I don't know if it's fear of rejection or judgement from my (local) friends, or if I'm not that person any more and just accidently slipping back into the roles we played as children.

Today was a hard day, but not because of the tasks at hand. My motivation was low today, probably due to feeling slightly ill all day. Around 3 in the afternoon, I gave up trying to work, and went to read a book instead. I figured if I couldn't concentrate on work, faking it wasn't going to help. Might as well do something I enjoy doing. Well, that, and make progress on resolution #9.