I hate my shower« an older post
a newer one »Please not foreshadowing

Disappointment worry


I think it's time to give up this consulting gig.

I have to admit I enjoy the work very much. I like solving different problems each week. I like the short term nature of the projects. But, I think I liked these more when I was working with Mike. I think he provided a good buffer for me, good support. He knew what he was doing. I feel like I'm just fumbling in the dark for this business stuff.

I'm good on the technical side. I'm not so good on the business side.

And the personal side.

A friend of mine (not sure if he wants to be named here, as it's his story to tell, not mine) once told me that his mom would express disappointment in him when he was growing up, and just how much that disappointment hurt. In retrospect, that's not quite true, as I'm sure he wasn't able to completely convey how much it hurt, that's something you have to experience yourself to understand. And disappointing your parents? Geez, that hurts.

I feel much the same way about my clients as of late. I feel like I'm continually diappointing them. I'm worried about taking too long to complete projects. I'm worried about not understanding the requirements correctly, but annoying the client by asking too many questions to understand fully. I'm worried about doing a good job, sometimes not knowing if I've done well or poorly as the targets changed before I've aimed.

It might be time to get a real job, I think. With a "real" job, knowing if you've done a good job is easier, as there's one person to say, "Yup."

Though, sometimes I'm not so sure about that, either. Having run a business (can I say successfully? It supported three people for three years. That sounds pretty good to me), I'm more aware of just how much people fake it in business. Sometimes I just can't understand how some businesses stay in business, either. Even with a job, I might keep asking, "why?"

Maybe I'm just in the wrong business.

I have enough saved up for two months of focusing on plan B. Maybe it's time to stop with the client work and see if I can make that one work. Maybe that's the place I should be.

Maybe nothing. It is.