Free time guilt

I fairly much have the day off. I don't have any work projects that require I actively work on them. I don't have any upcoming talks I should be practicing. I don't have any pressing items on my gigantic to-do list. I don't have any emergency client task to finish, no not-so-emergency client task to finish, no documentation that needs writing, no proposal that needs pondering.

I can pretty much do anything I want today, including sleeping until noon, getting drunk by 12:30, or making myself an early birthday cake. I can write a book, compose a song, build something with my new raspberry pi, clean out my crap, scan my paperwork, watch a bad movie, or read a book.

I can do any of these things.

So why do I feel guilty when I'm not working, not being productive?

Why do I have that clenching, sinking feeling in my gut that I'm doing something wrong by not working?

Guilty is the best word to describe the feelings. Maybe it's not guilt, maybe it's the lingering feeling that I need to be productive and not being productive is just discomfort. Maybe the feelings are that *thing* I need to create, just itching to break free and be created. Maybe the feelings are indigestion that happened to occur just as I'm not being productive.

Why do I equate idleness with laziness and think both are bad? Idleness can be necessary for recovery. Laziness doesn't always mean sloth, it can also mean efficient. One doesn't need to be, and realistically can't be, always on, always working, always doing. I'm idle in ways I probably don't recognize, but choosing to be idle is a difficult concept for me.

So, today's journey outside of my comfort zone, my adventure of the day, is to relax, and just be. I'm going to Michaels and buying some stickers. I'm going to Starbucks and having a short chai latte, soy, no water, extra hot. I'm going to the park with a book, sitting down in the shade, and reading for a while. I'm going to watch one of the soccer games on today, and maybe pay attention. I'm going to cook a lovely dinner, and enjoy it as I eat it slowly.

I'm going to enjoy relaxing, dammit.

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