Ennui

I removed all of the games from my phone.

I removed them because I was wasting time playing them, time I'd rather be using on either more productive tasks or more relaxing tasks. Originally I added them for something to do while I was between tasks, waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting for a meeting to start, waiting for the doctor, waiting, waiting, waiting. I didn't mind having the mindless activities to fill the time, because I enjoyed them, they were distracting.

Which is the point of them: to be distracting.

I started playing them when I wanted a break, so I'd sit on the couch for hours playing the stupid little 10x10 or 2048 or sudoku games.

When I realized I was using them to distract myself away from thinking, away from solving problems I needed to work through, away from pondering questions I needed to answer, I deleted them. I deleted the two I was playing most frequently, then the others as I found them still on my phone. I deleted applications I wasn't using, didn't need. I cleaned off my phone down to apps I actually use, and ones that I didn't feel were distracting.

So, now that I don't have the games to distract me, I'm alone with myself in those quiet moments. The transition has been both abrupt and fascinating. Suddenly not having my games to distract me means I have bits of time to think, to plan, to brainstorm, to realize how many things I'm unhappy about, to be grateful for the many things that are good in my life, to remember the moments of joy and love, to cringe at the embarrassments of plenty, to consider my next 10 moves in life, to wonder how people filled their days a hundred years ago, to dream up new things I want to exist in this world, and simply to be.

Sometimes I'm struck with overwhelming ennui, where I wonder how the other 14 billion people now and before me survived this existence. Thus far, I have been attributing such feelings to low blood sugar, had some chocolate, and moved on. I'm going no-sugar again, so that little trick isn't going to work any longer.

I've been off twitter, and trying to stay off twitter as YET ANOTHER DISTRACTION. Instagram's algorithmic ordering of photos has destroyed the platform's ability to tell a story.

With those two gone, I'm rather left with my life goals as things to fill my days. It's been nice. This week, I will finally manage to finish all of the items I tasked myself with last Sunday. It's a great feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction, being able to complete my weekly to-do list and know that I'm closer to my life goals as a result. I like knowing that I didn't fill my days with busy-work and distractions. I may not achieve all of my life goals, but, as has been said, the journey is the better part anyway.