Today's rant brought to you by Not Me™, if you can believe that.
Normally, Friday's here are "Bagel Fridays." For some reason, today is Donut Friday.
These people keep cutting 1/3rd off a donut, and taking it to there desk.
Sometimes even less.
MOTHERFUCKER, IF YOU FEEL THAT BAD ABOUT EATING DONUTS, DON'T EAT DONUTS. COMMIT TO THE SHIT. EAT A WHOLE GODDAMNED DONUT, AT THE VERY LEAST.
As a response, I have made 3 trips to the kitchen, to snag up all the fragmental donuts, which I put on a plate, bring back to my desk, and eat the remains.
Probably had about 5.666 donuts thus far. And the morning is still young.
Ten minutes later...
It bothers my OCPD, my sense of symmetry, and destroys my faith in the Yoot of America.
"Oh, donuts are so good, but I don't want to get fat, I'll get a knife out and cut 1/6th of this donut off, thus rendering the remains unattractive to Actual Americans, and absolving myself of the guilt I should have gotten over by the time I graduated from high school, but for some reason, didn't."
If you can't eat a whole donut, then there's something fucking wrong with you. And I'm embarrassed *for you*.
The best part about this rant is that it wasn't from me. Could have been, though.
It reminded me of Curt bringing fresh baked bread into work in the morning. He'd cut off the first slice, while the loaf was still warm, toast and butter it, and walk away moaning with delight. About 10 minutes later, I would arrive, cut off the opposite side of the loaf, giving myself a full crust (which, you know, is the only good part of the bread), toast and butter it, and walk off moaning with delight.
After about a week of this, Curt goes on a rage. YOU SHOULDN'T CUT THE LOAF EXCEPT AT THE SIDE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CUT. He went off on this for days, trying to find the person who was taking the opposite side of the loaf. I was oblivious to his ranting, though, and thankfully so. I had watched him destroy a light switch in a fit of rage and physical violence one morning before The Bread Incident™ when he didn't know I was in the building, so I knew how violent the man could be. Jeff told me about how Curt was on the hunt for the Bad Bread Cutter, mentioning it in passing to me, not knowing I was the person eating the other crust.
Still to this day I wonder about why Curt was so raged about the stupid crust. Once he put the loaf out for his coworkers, he relinquished control and say over the loaf. He gave the bread freely, why become angry about how everyone ate it? Who cares? The loaf was gone in 30 minutes, it wasn't going to get stale.
Perhaps needless to say, I stopped having any of the bread. If the man was going to be that uptight about a gift, I didn't want any part of it.
The donuts, however...