Calstates 2008

Today was the first day of Calstates 2008, held, once again, at UC Santa Cruz. I had asked the various junta members if they needed me to go, as the signup sheet indicated there were five women on the list to go. I figured with only five, I'd have plenty of playing time, especially in the easier games.

Except I didn't know about the tryout signups.

Turns out, we arrived, and had 11 women the first game. The number didn't vary lower than 11, but was sometimes over 11.

I really didn't need to be here today.

Worse, I didn't need to be here, and I spent the whole day not going in. Not because I couldn't go in, not because I wasn't encouraged to go in. No, I didn't go in because I was feeling sorry for myself. I had, once again, let my expectations run away, and was frustrated by reality. Even when I had the opportunity to take the field, I opted to "play the next game, when there would be fewer women" (there never were), or "play the next half, when people are tired" (they never were, with so many of us), or "play the next game, as this was a 'tryouts-specific' game" (they all were). I didn't play because I didn't play, not because the team wouldn't let me, not because there weren't opportunities, not because I couldn't.

To say I'm annoyed with myself is an understatement. Big. Fat. Understatement.

When Kris left the team, he did a clean break. I'm almost wishing I had done the same. How much easier would it be to just walk away, find something else to fill my time?

But what?

Seriously. How do you replace an activity that has dominated your life for fifteen years? Can you walk away from that? Kris has, and has filled it with World of Warcraft quite successfully. I can't do that. I just can't.