Six years of WTF?

Today marks the sixth anniversary of my blog. I started out at hodsden.org/s/ as a drupal install where I was just throwing up (sometimes literally) notes about what was going on with my life, then moved to kitthodsden.org where it is now. It'll be moving again in the next few weeks, but, well, that's a story for next month, next year, next decade (unless you're Keith, at which point the years don't mark the end of the year, but rather the beginning of the next year, and the decade doesn't end for another 389 days, and the site will move only in the next month and year).

In that time, I've had, to yes, everyone's surprise, only two jobs. Two jobs, two dogs, two houses, two passports, two wedding parties (though only one wedding), two cars, two sets of friends move away, and too many other exciting things to cram into lists of two.

This year, however, I kinda stalled. Not because there weren't exciting things happening in my life (well, okay, no there weren't any exciting things happening in my life, but really that's an aside), but for another every distinctive reason. I feel I've finally come to terms with that reason, and figure it's time to start spewing again.

But wait. Wait wait wait wait. Yes, I DO want to tell you about that reason.

Wanna hear?

Okay, but it's going to take some backstory.

When I was dating Guy Fenner, I commented to him at one point that all of his friends were amazing people. They all shared the same essence that he had, that of a good person. Or, as I write it, a Good Person™. I don't know exactly how to describe the characteristic otherwise, but it's something like the fundamental desire to be a good person, to do the right thing, to leave the world in a better state than when they came in, to see the good in situations, to want to improve as a person, friend, lover, spouse.

Guy commented back that he knew what I meant, and that he chose his friends with that in mind. He chose not to dwell on the negatives in life, but to concentrate on the positives. He chose to spend time with people that made his life better, made him a better person, instead of those who dragged him down. Which is not to say none of his friends had bad times or rough patches, they probably did. But the fundamental personality trait, to want all of this to be better, that helped them through the rough times.

Kris very much has that personality characteristic. It's part of his charm.

A long while I ago, I chose to follow Guy's way of choosing friends, and have some amazing friends in that list. Yeah, I thought about listing them all here, but my fingers started bleeding from all the typing before I was even close to being done, so, yeah, you're on this list. I have amazing friends. That I have so many incredible friends makes me want to cry with joy at how lucky I am. Okay, there you go. I'm crying now.

Unfortunately, to the flip side of this was a poor decision on my part to become friends with someone who didn't fit in the Good Person™ category. If you go back through the various posts on here, you can probably figure out who it is (and if you do that, I assure you, you need a life. A real life. Go outside and play). Said person was the second true instance I've encountered and recognized (belatedly, in this case) as an emotional vampire.

I think I am more angry with myself for letting this person into my life. I was so desperate for a female best friend to replace the various ones who have moved away either physically or emotionally in the last few years, Lisa, Kate, and Megan, that I didn't really see the forest for the trees with the problems of her personality. And yes, the draining, tiring, depleting emotional vampire was a woman. Let's call her Eva.

When I spent time with her, the world became bleak.

When I spent time with her, she thought it was okay to lecture me on what I was doing wrong, even though I was doing things the way she wanted them done.

When I spent time with her, no changes seemed possible. Every problem was the end, no solutions were viable. "I can't do that." "That won't work."

When I spent time with her, the most common words out of her mouth were "I hate my life."

When I spent time with her, all she would do is complain.

It was so draining. It started getting to the point where I became the woman no one wanted to spend time with because all I would do is complain about HER life. It sucked. I hated her life, too. I'd cry to Kris on how this was not what I wanted, but I didn't want to give up on her, she was my friend.

At which point, Kris finally asked me, "Why? Why are you still friend with someone who has done this to you?"

Why indeed?

Around June, I broke off contact with Eva.

I blocked her on Facebook.

I blocked her on my IM clients.

I added a filter to send any emails from her to /dev/null.

I removed her information from my cell phone.

And, I stopped writing on my blog. She used to read my blog non-stop. And IM me when I hadn't updated on a day. I didn't want to share my life with Eva anymore. Unfortunately, I felt that posting here would give Eva fuel, for her to come back to me and say, "you said this, but it conflicts with this you said," which was a habit of hers: to point out every discrepancy that someone said. Becaus, you know, nitpicking is a sport in her world.

Sadly, by not updating to avoid Eva, I feel I lost touch with everyone else who read my blog. My grandparents don't know what's going on in my life, because I'm not writing. Heather's moved to the City (did you even know she was back with us from August through September? probably not BECAUSE I DIDN'T WRITE ABOUT IT), so she doesn't know what's up with Krikitt Downs any longer. I've probably completely fallen out of Mike and Kate's and Ben and Lisa's reading lists, because I've posted so infrequently. Doyle never read this (who has time?), but Steffi did. I feel like I've lost touch with most of the people who are so dear to me, because I stopped writing. Because, well, as much as this site is for me, it's been an amazing way to keep in touch with everyone else. And I miss those everyone elses. A lot.

So, hello everyone. I'm back. Year 6 was crap. I plan on having year 7 be amazing. Just you wait to see what I have in store for you.

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