Awkward

After showing the condo to various people and running errands, I asked Mom if we could lounge in the pool for a bit. Yesterday afternoon was hot and humid and full of melting, so I was hoping to avoid some of that today in the pool. You know, the pool THIS close to the OCEAN.

Yep. That's about right.

We pulled on our bathing suits. I hadn't worn mine since I don't know, maybe last summer? If ever I have felt like a stuffed pork sausage, today was the day. So, I did what every woman who feels like she can't measure up to the American objectification of women: I covered myself up. I put on a shirt and shorts and went out to the pool with Mom.

When I arrived at the pool, I saw a woman lying on one of the lounge chairs. She was wearing the same make and model of bathing suit that I had on.

At the pool, I looked around at the no one there, looked around at the windows of all the units around us, the knowledge of my ill-fitting bathing suit that looks JUST LIKE THE WOMAN LYING NEXT TO ME spinning in my head, and I was reluctant to take off my shirt and shorts and jump into the inviting pool. That feeling of inadequacy based on impossible cultural norms weighing down on me as I recalled the look of my hips, the size of my stomach, my developer's posture. I'm a size 6, a size f'ing six, and was feeling horribly inadequate.

And then reality hit me.

FUCK THAT.

This is who I am. This is what I look like. Yes, I conform to a large number of societal norms, I play well with others, I blend in with a crowd. At that moment, no one, NOT ONE PERSON cared what I looked like. I don't care that I don't conform to the "typical" 20 year old American male's version of beautiful. I don't care that I will never be on the front (or insides, actually) of a fashion magazine. I'm not winning any pageants. I am perfectly happy not being ogled.

So, off came the shorts, shirt and towel. I strutted to the pool steps, happy that I'm in this body that can move, can swim, can dance, can walk, can run. It doesn't conform to 21st century American beauty, and that's okay. I'm pretty happy with it.