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Weird Sexy Man Hug

Scalzi Story

Wherein I take a band name from Scalzi’s Next Band Name list, and spend no more than 20 minutes writing the story with the band name as a title. Current one is Weird Sexy Man Hug. See also: the full story archive.


"Okay, now, we're going to practice what I just showed you all. Just stand up, and approach your partner. That's right, just step forward and hold your hand out, turned upward.

"George, a little more vertical and a lot higher up. You're going for the Bro Hug, not a handshake. If your hand is low, you will get a handshake. If your hand is too horizontal, the guys are going to look at you like you're a girl and you want your hand kissed. Do you want your hand kissed? When you're going for the Bro Hug?


"No, you don't. So more vertical. That's right.

"Okay, step into the hug. Clasp hands, good, turn into it. Yes, like that. Nick, no, into the hug. And don't yank.



"Step back everyone, I'll demonstrate again with Mike here. See how I approach him? Note how this is different than the arms-open-wide stance of the Big Uncle Hug? Right. So, arm bent, almost like we're going to arm wrestle, but WE ARE NOT ARM WRESTLING, GUYS, we are Bro-Hugging. Okay, we take each other's hands, step into each other, touch shoulders. If you'd like, you can pat the other guy on the back of his upper shoulder, but don't force this. See how Mike here became a little uncomfortable when I patted his back too low? You don't want that. Keep it at the lowest intimacy part of the back, the shoulder. And then we step away.

"This is not a torture session, guys. We have a smile through this all. We are inviting the other guy in, he is our brother.

"Well, a brother we like.

"Okay, try again. Step a few steps away, and now approach.

"Much better guys, nicely done. Good work, there, George, good hand placement. I guess that arm wrestling image helped, eh?

"I'm glad. Say, do you guys need a break? We've been going at this for a few ours now, and you are all progressing well. I want to make sure we're not overloading you now.

"No? Okay, we'll push through. Take your seats again.

"We have two hugs left before we summarize all of the hugs, bring out our huggees, you'll do your final test of all the hugs we've learned today, and then class ends.

"These last two hugs are the most intimate hugs, but you need to be careful with them. You don't want to overstep the boundaries of the huggee, regardless of gender, guys. I need to remind you about that, you can be intimate with someone regardless of gender and your hug can be an invitation. Be sure you are meaning to give the invitation and reading the huggee's signals.

"Okay, the last two are the Warm Greeting Hug and the Bear Hug. There are, of course, variations on these hugs, and let me roll my eyes for you with that 'of course' I just said, because I will keep saying there are always variations on these hugs. We'll go over the variations of these a bit.

"First, you need to know what your intentions are with the huggee, and have a best guess on what the huggee's intentions are. Sometimes you are offering comfort, sometimes you are merely saying hello or good bye. The Bear Hug is a good, friendly greeting hug.

"To do this, you open your arms wide, go on, everyone do this. Right, wide, smile big, you're happy to see your friend. Great! Now step in and wrap your arms all around the huggee. If you are taller, you go on the top. If you are shorter, expect to go under. If you are similar heights, you will lift your right arm a bit and drop your left arm a bit to signal the more complicated cross hug.

"Next, you step into each other, as Mike and I are doing, wrap your arms around the other person and squeeze WITHOUT OVERSQUEEZING. You are not trying to choke out the huggee. Keep your hands up and let your body feel what the huggee is doing. If the huggee squeezes gently and releases, that is your signal that the hug is over. You will give one more gentle squeeze and break the hug.

"Got that?

"Good. Let's practice this. Everyone stand up. Arms wide, that's good. Jeff, we're not stretching here, don't overdo it.

"Now step forward. Remember to smile guys. Good.

"Remember, if the huggee wants the hug to continue, you will allow it to continue. If the huggee indicates done, either by pulling back or with a quick tighter hug, you will let it go. Hugging beyond the signal turns the Bear Hug into the Weird Sexy Man Hug, and YOU DO NOT WANT THIS.

"Got that? You do not want that.

"Mike, let go now."

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