Subject: Being an Evil Overlady...
Evil Overlords have their help pages, and now henchmen, troopers, and
even cultists have their own. The Evil Overlord biz is clearly in need
of some gender equality. Hence:
Guidelines for Evil Empresses
1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter
for the former.
2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for
vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love
or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough
for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and
there is no comparison.
4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless
having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive
5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that
"evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable
to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their
6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing
7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment,
8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances.
If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage.
Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him
picked off as he exits the fortress.
9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what
I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster.
If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the
11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to
confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero.
"Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the
Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of
objectives at once.
12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper
behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes.
This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes,
as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses
and get really vicious.
13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close
individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that
I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power
for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their
own, if they want.
14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably
are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in
mind as I destroy him.
15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of
this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit
his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not
allow my identity to be revealed.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my
offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once
that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point
his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his
17. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders,
snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
18. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will
facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but
not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or
steal his own weapon.
19. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're
just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on
something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
20. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the
poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
21. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool
lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of
liking at home.
22. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor,
rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which
for dress occasions.
23. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use
advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ
weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with
the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have
their quivers from 200 yards away.
24. I will re-evaluate any job that requires
manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my
Amazons could do
the job with less risk.
25. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible
with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell
or potion, at
least until the crucial encounter with the Hero,
at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere
26. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks
generally makes killing them the least bothersome
27. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I
will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's
evil actions and
ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress
under duress then my very first order of business must
be the disposal of
the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he
can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress
under duress then using the Hero to free me of the
Overlord does not
obligate me to abdicate my throne.
30. If I am competing with other Overlords,
Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I
will assume they
have access to this and other lists and the
brains to listen to them.
31. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against
his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood
be annoyingly sentimental.
32. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked
Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's
raising a ruling family these days without extra
dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled
suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good
simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy
33. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power,
I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the
someday. It's better to carefully feed their
growing lust for power by gradually increasing
than having them plot my untimely demise.
34. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful
but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but
Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture
her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of
budding romantic relationship with potential
young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I
strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional
conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal
mistakes, c) provide another chance for my
daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to
35. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately
to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's
something, count on it). Instead I will treat
her with all the kindness and love possible while
slowly reshaping her
in my image.
36. However insatiable my appetites are, it is
virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions
of subjects is both
far more gifted at satisfying them and far more
loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no
reputation with the ladies.
37. My personal servants will be professional
bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as
maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards
for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal
(just so much furniture after all, right?) will
remain in my chambers.
38. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain
concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be
immediately by the others.
39. I will learn the various arts of self defense
and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
40. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as
the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double
all its worth.
41. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds
I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul,
(especially) body will never be negotiable.
42. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful
yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual
be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies
are not to become a factor.
43. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn
around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that
is two sizes
too big for my finger. If a line of sight is
required, then a good strong locking watchband will
do. If the amulet
need not be exposed, being Empress I have a
variety of far more secure hiding places at my
immediate disposal -
and to hell with the glow.
44. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will
just as easily take my orders when radioed from my
in person on the front lines.
45. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails
trimmed. Short hair provides no convienent handle for
Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed
fingernails enable me to press The Button myself,
rather than rely on
minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
46. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I
may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them;
that way, I
can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate
Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air
47. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom
into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to
create the public
image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all
power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2)
3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her
Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep
head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and
leave the possibility of a sequel.
48. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty
with www. EvilEmpress'. budoir. live. com (be it with a
or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with
www. EvilEmpres'. pit-of-dispair. live. com.
49. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of
which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will
sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia
50. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will
probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge.
Keeping this in
mind, I will beware advisors who might have a
51. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses,
high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks,
will be treated
as the credible and dire threats they are, and I
will direct as many, if not more resources to their
destruction as I
would for a more classical Hero.
Other Evil Advice
Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells
1. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate
Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the
already be the Evil Overlord.
2. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of
five components scattered to the four corners of the
be made in my private laboratory with three times
the security in probably half the time.
3. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the
distant past and its components scattered to nearly
inaccessible niches across the globe could not
have been that great in the first place, or else it
would never have
4. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning
leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of
energy, I will only undertake it deep in the
center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before
5. There is a reason why the spell book of the last
Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into
possession of it
through any means that involved defeat of its
power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
6. Instead of going through the trouble and risk of
stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city
billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate
Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical
tele-ministry. That way I
also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my
every command, should I ever need such a a thing.
7. If I come into possession of, or manage to
assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use
it at full power in
direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No
warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a
my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will
also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply
Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts
will come to naught anyway.
8. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice
of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a
rarity and b)
relying on a quality that is so easily cured by
an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of
9. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers
or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no
there to be only one set of controls right next
to the main power source. A fake set, directly
connected to a
multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
10. While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate
Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to
exploit, Tiny Flaw
to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate
Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the
same effect, I
will employ them instead.
11. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells
as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear
eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity,
and the population I made to love me will grow to hate
Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will
quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless
obeisance, and try to do something about it.
Notes on Fortress Construction
1. If I ever have real reason to install any type of
self-destruct mechanism, it will only be triggerable
at the heart of
the device/ship/fortress and it will implode from
the outside rather than explode from the inside.
2. My Command Center will have a heavily guarded
room at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft
contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a
fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real
whatsoever. The real command center will be a
satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding
chair at the
top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked
'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked
3. If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead
directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is
unavoidable, all such
exhaust ports will have closeable reinforced
blast doors every other level and alternate routes of
venting in case
4. All my computer systems will have uninterruptable
power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or
the appropriate tolerances.
5. It is never necessary to store explosive
materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control
complex. If for some reason such a situation
should come about, they will not be in the same room
as the central
computer. They will be in a concrete bunker
protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems.
goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and
6. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools,
trash compactors, gas chambers, etc. ) in my Fortress
isolated from the communications and power grids.
7. I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers'
brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on
non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the
minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my
non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a
minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even
will be treated as potentially dangerous until
any remains are incinerated.
8. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out
-any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap
Notes on Alliances of Evil
1. I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure
I can betray if I need to. I will always assume my new
this same condition.
2. When it is time to unite all the diverse
underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime
meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not
feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors
intimidation of the rest. It will feature the
deputization of the most powerful that I can control
easily and the
elimination of the rest
Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or Good Advice for
the Evil at Heart
1. My planned assault on the rebel base will take
place after my assault on the rebel base.
2. If my objective is world domination, I will not
be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute
invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute
power, I will consider settling for world domination.
3. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can
take the time to completely - and I mean no finger,
toe, or tongue
wiggling - immobilize him.
4. One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack
novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his
plots, it will be
5. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If
I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve
6. If a messenger interrupts me during a meal,
meeting, bath, or romantic encounter, I will first
assume he has a real,
urgent reason for doing so. He'll be executed
only if the interruption was indeed pointless.
7. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I
outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will
fight dirty and get
the job done as quickly as possible.
8. Total commitment is essential: if I discover that
I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark
Side, I will
immediately cease all world-domination efforts
until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
9. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and
laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload"
10. If I cannot take the time to create and remember
a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols,
alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate
Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
11. Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will
have numerous tracking devices of several levels of
detectability installed in his effects, vehicles,
and person, at least one of which will have been
ingested with his
last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to
put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by
other means as
12. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces
of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back
to the Dark
Side. I will give him up as a lost cause,
eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a
suitable Evil protégé
13. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point
of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil,
14. If I need to detain the Hero for more than two
minutes, he will be summarily strip-searched, relieved
personal effects and clothing (especially belts,
vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the
orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The
Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items
ring-lasers, belt communicators etc. will be
destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise
they are to be returned.
15. If reputable prophecy dictates I will be
defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will
not waste time trying to
eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my
power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile
energies in a search for new prophecies that will
get me out of the first one.
16. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal
Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help
underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies
between the enemy and myself should my defenses be
Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientists or How not to be
a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist
1. I will not experiment on myself.
2. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's
brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.
3. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse"
4. My secret lab/lair will have excellent
ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon
extinguishers handy at every
5. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and
bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the
floor or wall,
not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.
6. Any ability enhancing formula that has potential
degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to
use on the
Controlled Masses, but not on myself.
7. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be
activatable from the outside by the combination of my
retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my
hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
8. If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long
killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a
my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a
convenient key chain mace canister.
9. Experimental monster creations will not only have
one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can
axploit, but until
my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they
will also have an addiction to a material only I can
which they will die in a day or two.
10. I will always have an open airplane ticket to
New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes
laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or
starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
11. I will personally select the brain to be used in
my life-creation experiment.
12. If I need one liter of my secret formula to
implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten
liters and store the
other nine safely in different caches.
13. I will always carry the antidote on my person.
But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve. ' The
will be in the vial marked 'antidote. '
14. If I am working on an optical mind control
device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the
lab and wear
polarized contact lenses at all times.
15. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses
of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send
next time than lose one due to simple poor
16. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall
be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live
large cities, not someone who people will notice
the disappearance of, like a female student at the
17. If I really must have a teenage girl to perform
my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose
cheerleader whose courageous and handsome
boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I
will choose the
mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is
the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who
probably co-opt if I need to.
18. I will remember that any robot/device/mental
power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet
sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be
remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
19. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken
care of my reduntant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if
compound is well sealed by me, extraneous
underlings. No underling (espacially one with a
girlfreind to impress)
will ever be given the keys to the cages.
20. My Android Armies will be capable of independent
action not rely on a central brain for coordination.
they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to
prevent paralisis by "Everything I say is a lie" type
Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.
1. Inoculate before invasion.
2. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
3. No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone.
Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your
4. If your planet desperately needs women, chances
are you can get them without invasion by simply
and pay equity.
5. Don't route all power through the Mothership.
6. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture
unless you can fly from the top.
7. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan
subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.
8. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for
the brute force takeover.
The Council of Moderately Trusted Advisors
The following Council Members have provided Valuable
Contributions to the Evil Empress and associated
addresses are protected vs. spam, but can be withheld
altogether on request.
John Elliott - jce. evil@empress. seasip. demon. co. uk
Eslington - p_and_g. evil@empress. cableinet. co. uk
Michael Powers - mpowers. evil@empress. vt. edu
Vesta Antonia Aurelia - vesta. evil@empress. internetcds. com
Maigano1. evil@empress. aol. com
Arthur Kimes artki. evil@empress. netzero. net
Betty Hendershot - bettyhendershot. evil@empress. home. com
H. Torrance Griffin - htgriffin. evil@empress. yahoo. com
The Evil Empress' Plan of Ultimate World Conquest is
bearing the first fruits of success! Witness her
strange and foreign lands with the French translation
of the Evil Empress Guide, masterminded by Slightly
Moderately Trusted Advisor Saladin.