Not How This Works


First email:

I noticed that you have a broken link to a website. That site was first published way back in 2001 but unfortunately, it is no longer a working website.

We recently published an article that explains what happened to the site. I think it's an interesting story, and it could be useful to your readers.

Would you consider swapping out the broken link for our article? It would really help.

It went into the ignore folder.

Second email:

I wanted to check in and see if you got my note about the broken link on your site?

Yes, and I really don't particular want to invest the time in tracking down the 404 at this point. Such cleanup is on my Tech Debt List, which is not high on my to-do list yet. Soon, but not today.

Fuck off, Spammer.


Hello. I see that you don't update your blog too often.
I know that writing posts is boring and time consuming.

Fuck off, spammer.

If writing were boring, I wouldn't do it, you asshat.

Everyone spends time. Writing is doing it wisely.

So, yeah, fuck off.



Does your site have a contact page? I'm having a tough
time locating it but, I'd like to shoot you an e-mail.
I've got some creative ideas for your blog you might be
interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look
forward to seeing it improve over time

Tough time... locating it...

Uh huh.

Related, "I've got" is redundant and a waste of words, letters, and electrons. "I have" is shorter and clearer.

Switching Spam-Catching Services


How to tell how out of touch I have very sadly become with the Drupal community: the Mollom servers were turned off last month, the announcement of such was made last year, and I just now fixed it on this site.

Trying out Akismet. Given its history, I think this change will be fine. My plan is to give it a month trial, then start with my subscription payment. I really dislike "captcha and recaptcha and the pick twenty different pictures with signs in them wait does the sign pole count as part of the sign I don't know and I get it wrong every F'ING time google and I'm not the only one" processes, so here's hoping Akismet works as nicely (read: unobtrusively) as Mollom did.

Investors on my site


I truly believe Sarah doesn't have a clue.

hey there,

I was searching for advice about finding investors, and your site popped up - Nice job, by the way!

We recently made a huge guide to finding investors as a small business, and I thought you might like to see it.

If you like it, hopefully you'll link to it from your site as a resource - It could be valuable to your readers at :)

Can I send you the article to check it out?

Thanks so much,



"I noticed your website runs a lot of social campaigns which I’m sure you must be tracking."

You aren't particularly observant, are you?


Deconstructing a Spam Comment

Hello Web Admin,

Uh... we are already off to a poor start in our relationship.

I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors,

Likely because I don't give a rat's ass about SEO for this site.

for one you do not use all three H tags in your post,

Indeed. I do not.

also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.

And I notice you like run-on sentences. Not sure what this has to do with your invading my space with spam, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda.

Don't make me goog for this NEW SCARY MAGIC. Oh noes, more than ever!

No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings,

And it hasn't been that way for f'ing years, either.

Over 45


Okay, this ad showed up in my browser, on I don't know which domain or from what ad network:

Clearly the ad worked in catching my attention, because my reaction has been "WHAT THE GD F---?"

Yeah, I have no idea what the "God Vitamin" is, but I completely and totally do not believe that "Scientists" recommend it.

And to only people over 45? What about all of us under 45?

Who writes this crap and what the hell is it supposed to be saying?



And with that spam post, I pretty much know what to filter on:

"I am not spamming. I have studied your website..."


Oh, the spam today just gets better.

Always still annoying.

I have a number of domains that I use for only email. Not every domain needs a website. Websites are there because you have something to, I don't know, share with the world? If you're just using the domain to control spam (hello, customized email addresses per domain and/or transaction so that I can track when a site sells my email address or has a security break (hello, Ameritrade)), there's no need for a website.

So, when I receive emails like this one, I laugh.


I thought you might like to know some reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic for

Um... because there IS no website for

1. Your website is not ranking top in Google organic searches for many competitive keyword phrases.


2. Your company is not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.

My brand is, however.

3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

It is wonderfully user-friendly! It does EXACTLY what it is designed to do, which is NOTHING.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis.

I really think I should respond with "Yes, please do," and see what happens.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company's website traffic and online reputation. You will be happy to know that, my team is willing to guarantee you 1st page Google ranking for most of your targeted keyword phrases in our six month ongoing campaign.

Sound interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you.

Best Regards,
Michael Dupre
Marketing Consultant

Should be, "Clueless, Lazy-Ass, Spam-sending, Marketing Lackey who doesn't do due diligence."

PS I: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

Clearly, this is spam, given there is no website.

PS II: I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as HTML5 and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

Check. Right. Google. Because nothing is known outside Google.

Except maybe those tens of thousands of years of history.

But who's counting that?