Little doggie, how do I torment you so?

Let me count the ways!

I take you for walks. I scratch your back when you nudge me. I feed you doggie crack. I feed you more food than Kris says I should feed you. I take you on mini-walks through out the day. I play tug of war with you.

Oh, these are all such torment!

I let you sleep in the bed with us (which is, by the way, an incredible sacrifice you don't know the half of!). I tolerate your barking. I let you sniff each and every smell on your walk. I let you into to the bedroom during the day so that you can sleep in the sun. I run after squirrels with you. I take you to the vets on a regular basis. I take you to the park to run around.

How can I be such a cruel, cruel owner?

I sneak you extra shizzle sticks to chew on (okay, so I bribe you with food to shut up, it's the same thing, right?). I stop Annie from dominating you, thereby keeping her as the Omega dog. I scratch your belly when you present it. I take you on hikes through trails and forests. I even buy the books with the trails listed in them, just so that I can find dog-friendly trails. I take you to Waterdog Lake so that you can go romping through the reeds (and where I get ticks).

I even let you sit in my office chair.

When I'm in it.

Oh, the torment!

It's only fair that sometimes, just every once in a long while, I get a chance to really torment you.

Say, with two Elizabethan collars!