It Took A Fortune

You never know when your life is going to change in an instance. I had that moment today.

After staying in the non-Ryokan, very western style hotel in Fukuchiyama last night, this morning we had a traditional Japanese breakfast, gathered up our stuff, and hopped back into the vans and headed to the trailhead to start the day's walk. We all pretty much had our hiking legs, and were in good spirits.

First up, the Motoise Geku Toyouke-jinja shrine.

As we walked up, we learned about how to cleanse or purify ourselves before going into the shrine, chozu. At the temizuya, the water basin, pick up the dipper / ladle with your right hand, scoop water, pour some over your left hand, switch the ladle to the left and and pour some water over the right hand. Great, hands are clean. Pour a little more water into the right hand and use that to rinse your mouth. Hold the ladle upright to allow the water to pour down the handle to clean it, then put the ladle back on the basin. We all did this, then walked in.

The shrine itself was worn. It had a lot of interesting stories, with its placement in the great star, and the older trees. We walked through the grounds and came back around to the front to leave.

While there, I noticed a fortune box. R----- was talking about the rack near the fortune box, where bad fortunes are tied to, in order to keep the bad luck from following the person who just drew it. I enjoy these fortunes, so thought, Oh! let me pick up a fortune, and dropped 200￥into the box, for two fortunes. I went to hand the second one to Matthew, who strongly refused it. Okay, I'll have two. No, Jamie said, don't do that. Ju------ stepped up and offered to take the second one. Yay!

Jamie opened up Ju------'s fortune and started reading it. Everyone gathered near. It was a lovely, very excellent luck fortune. We all listened to the fortune, excited for Ju-----.

Jamie opened up my fortune, and started reading. This one wasn't as good as Ju------'s fortune, he said, but it was a good one. He started reading.

Somewhere during that reading he said, "And if you are waiting for someone, they aren't going to come."

And my breath stopped.

Everything about my world collapsed into a ball of pain. I looked down, the bill of my hat covering my face.

I didn't want anyone to see what had just happened.

I didn't want to show my loss, the depth of it. I didn't want anyone to see my pain.

I didn't want anyone to see me crying, because I indeed started crying, all joy of the moment gone.

Jamie kept reading. I have no idea what he said.

Somewhere in the pain, I looked up, as Jamie kept reading, and I caught Ja-----'s eyes. She saw what had happened. She heard the words, noticed my body language, saw my face. Her face was a sea of compassion. I looked at her and held onto the lifeline she was offering.

Jamie finished reading the fortune, noticed the silence, the awkwardness, and said, let's all go out this way, pointing to the exit. Most everyone started to leave.

Matthew stood there, on the stone walkway as everyone passed by. He walked over to me, turned and offered his shoulder. I leaned into it and started sobbing. Eventually, the tears played themselves out, the pain released its grip, and the tears stopped. I apologized for soaking Matthew's shirt, and received the most gentlest of rebukes at the absurdity of the apology. He stepped towards the exit and the group.

Ju----- stepped into the space that Matthew had left, and gave me a hug. For the record, the only person I have met who hugs better than Ju----- is Jonathan. Ju-----'s hug was all encompassing. It pulls you into the comfort one hasn't had since the womb, warm, motherly, full, and healing. I unfortunately broke the hug with a "Wow! This is an amazing hug," and we broke apart, laughing, my face recovering from my ugly cry mode, Ju----- smiling and supportive.

We walked over to the rest of the group, and continued on the walk.

My heart will start beating again some day, but even the gods felt this seismic shift.