What you want to be doing?

If this were the last week of your life, are you doing what you want to be doing?

This question has started to haunt me. Unsurprisingly, actually, given the relative unhappiness I had been living through. Relative because I can't say that my being unhappy with my life meant that my life wasn't good (because it certainly is). But, I can honestly say, if this were my last days, I am not doing what I'd want to be doing.

If I knew, I'd be unbelievably depressed about it. I'm sure I'd waste the first of the last days crying my eyes out. Yeah, completely wasteful. I'd then get busy with cleaning out my crap.

After Karen died, Mom asked me to help her and Helen clean out her office. I went with Mom to the school, with a trunk full of boxes. We started at one corner of the office and started pitching. We dumped papers and notes and stuff we deemed worthless. We gathered art supplies to donate to the school. We boxed up books. We carted away everything but the desk and the bookcases.

It was hard.

All of us were crying at some point that afternoon. If we weren't crying, we were trying to be strong for the other two. It was very difficult to look at a life's accumulation and think, "Well, she won't be needing this now."

Her house was harder.

I wouldn't want my family to have to go through my life and think, "Well, she won't be needing that." there's a lot of crap of mine in our house I don't need or want. I need to get rid of it.

I've been wondering what happens to my electronic goods when I go. Sure, I can buy a 100 year lease on this domain or that one, but what happens to the server when I croak? Who keeps that going? What a sad fact of life that when you go, you fade, and that's it. Maybe you're a footnote in the history books, but I'm sure 99.99999% are even that. How do you leave a legacy? I'm so paranoid about my privacy that what you find of me on search engines is what other people say about me or release. I'd fade much faster than most.

So, cleaning out my crap is what I'd do. And spend time with Kris. I can't possibly spend too much time with him, if I were down to one week. Or even if I were down to one decade.

And when that was done, I'd try to figure out how to find more time.