Playing not to lose

Heather and I were talking on the drive back from the Mischief City tryouts today. I think I did okay playing-wise, but I definitely feel my lack of aerobic fitness. Based on the sprints we did at the end, I've definitely lost my speed - the depressing part of the afternoon. Skills-wise I was fine - got to watch everyone struggle with the low release throws under a hurdle. I heard someone gasp then I was demonstrating the drill the first time around - made me chuckle.

Heather and I talked about various boyfriends and relationship experiences on the drive back south after dinner. At one point, I asked her why a particular relationship had ended, and she commented she spent the whole relationship expecting him to leave. Unsurprising it ended, it never really began.

The comment made offhand caught me a little off guard.

My parents' divorce when I was 12 set my expectations for relationships pretty low, so I can't say I ever expected a relationship to truly last. Guy certainly taught me a lot about love and adult relationships (the biggest being just because you hit a rough spot doesn't mean you're done), but not until Kris asked me to play to win, and not just play not to lose, that I really figured things out.

But that thought really never left. I often feel like I'm waiting for disaster to strike. Not that I expect bad things to always happen, I'm just surprised that the worst I've had to deal with in the last few years has been an exploding toliet, underwear eating dogs and too much work.

Despite thinking, "Now or never, things aren't going to happen just because I want them to happen. I need to actually put some effort into making it happen." and actually making things happen, I still wonder when the other shoe will fall, when someone is going to show up and say, "Hey, we know that you're faking being an adult," when this "golden time" is going to end and life is going to be hard again.