Resolution #1

I have, at this moment, 26 resolutions for the new year. I should have put "don't get sick" down as one, but I would have failed at that today, making less than a week and a half, and what's the point of a short term resolution like that? I mean, I might as well resolve to be more efficient in sucking in air, for all the good a "don't get sick" resolution would help.

The first resolution I put down was, "Make only commitments I'm willing to keep," where "commitments" varies between commitments and promises. The two words are essentially equal, and reasonably equivalent that they're interchangeable, the only difference is in the emotion I feel.

These last few years, like, about the last, oh, 25 or so, my usual answer to a request was not only, "yes," but also, "yes, and how about this to go with that, too?" I'd go the extra mile, take that extra step, help out just a little bit more. Such behavior once prompted Kelly Johnson to comment I was one of the nicest people she knew (this, in my favorite conversation with her when she said about herself, "I'm a good person. I'm not a nice person, but I'm a good person." I miss Kelly.).

But, every time I gave that extra bit, I lost a little bit of myself. I overcommitted myself by offering more and more and more, to the point where I wasn't able to keep my word, and would often say yes to tasks, events, projects, dreams that I had no interest in, but my path had led to the point where I couldn't say no.

I've come to realize in the last few years (and tragically, it did take me these last few years to finally make this realization not only intellectually, but also emotionally), that by agreeing to do something, compensated monetarily or otherwise, I've committed a part of my life to completing that task. When you're young (younger?), what's a few hours, days, weeks, months? Doesn't matter, you have all the time in the world, you're invincible. When you're older, and holy crap, the lead foot on the accelerator of life isn't letting up any time soon, that commitment can't be made with the cavalier, carefree attitude - that commitment is going to take time, time the most precious of resources one can own.

When someone asks me what I want as a gift, my answer has been "time" for the last few years. Time to be with Kris, time to work on my house, time to work on my projects, time to be with friends, time to just be. I don't know when the transition happened fully, but the switch was flipped some time within the last six months. I'm no longer willing to commit to projects of someone else's passion, I'm no longer willing to offer before asked, I'm no longer willing to say yes if I don't mean yes.

I know where that last trait comes from, I know who introduced me to that thought. He used those words specifically to me recently, succinctly saying what I'd been heading toward when that switch flipped. I have no idea if he reads these posts. If he does, I hope he hears his words in mine, and knows how much I appreciate them.

Part of me still responds to the passion I hear in other people, the part that thinks, eh, that'll take me less than a day to do, here, let me just ... before I stop it and think about what I'm giving up by taking that less-than-a-day for that task. I'm giving up a chance to work on my projects, which I'm more passionate about. Another part can't stand that I've walled myself off from the helping of others, that I can't just clone ten of me to help all the people that ask for help, all projects that are someone else's dreams.

In the end, I'll be a better person for meaning "yes" when I say "yes," and being able to follow through on my commitments, exactly because I didn't overplan my life with someone else's dreams.

Resolution number one? So far, holding true.