When I am an Evil Empress

Book page

Subject: Being an Evil Overlady...

Evil Overlords have their help pages, and now henchmen, troopers, and even cultists have their own. The Evil Overlord biz is clearly in need of some gender equality. Hence:

Guidelines for Evil Empresses

1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.

2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.

3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.

4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.

5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.

6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.

7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.

8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.

9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.

10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.

11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.

12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.

13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.

14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.

15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.

16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.

17. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.

18. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.

19. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.

20. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.

21. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.

22. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.

23. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.

24. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.

25. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.

26. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.

27. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.

28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.

29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.

30. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.

31. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.

32. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.

33. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.

34. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.

35. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.

36. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.

37. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.

38. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.

39. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.

40. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.

41. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.

42. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.

43. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.

44. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.

45. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convienent handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.

46. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.

47. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.

48. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with www. EvilEmpress'. budoir. live. com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with www. EvilEmpres'. pit-of-dispair. live. com.

49. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.

50. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.

51. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.

Other Evil Advice

Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells

1. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.

2. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.

3. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.

4. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.

5. There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.

6. Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical tele-ministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a a thing.

7. If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.

8. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.

9. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.

10. While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.

11. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something about it.

Notes on Fortress Construction

1. If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct mechanism, it will only be triggerable at the heart of the device/ship/fortress and it will implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.

2. My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.

3. If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.

4. All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.

5. It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.

6. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc. ) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications and power grids.

7. I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.

8. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.

Notes on Alliances of Evil

1. I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I need to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.

2. When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest

Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or Good Advice for the Evil at Heart

1. My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.

2. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.

3. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely - and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize him.

4. One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.

5. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.

6. If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or romantic encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for doing so. He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed pointless.

7. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.

8. Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.

9. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.

10. If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.

11. Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous tracking devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.

12. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.

13. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.

14. If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be summarily strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing (especially belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the regulation blaze orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers, belt communicators etc. will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise compromised if they are to be returned.

15. If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out of the first one.

16. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.

Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientists or How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist

1. I will not experiment on myself.

2. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.

3. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.

4. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon extinguishers handy at every bench.

5. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.

6. Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.

7. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.

8. If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.

9. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can axploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.

10. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.

11. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.

12. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.

13. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve. ' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote. '

14. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.

15. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.

16. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high school.

17. If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.

18. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.

19. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my reduntant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (espacially one with a girlfreind to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.

20. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralisis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.

1. Inoculate before invasion.

2. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.

3. No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.

4. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.

5. Don't route all power through the Mothership.

6. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.

7. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.

8. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.

The Council of Moderately Trusted Advisors

The following Council Members have provided Valuable Contributions to the Evil Empress and associated lists. E-mail addresses are protected vs. spam, but can be withheld altogether on request.

 John Elliott - jce. evil@empress. seasip. demon. co. uk
 Eslington - p_and_g. evil@empress. cableinet. co. uk
 Michael Powers - mpowers. evil@empress. vt. edu
 Vesta Antonia Aurelia - vesta. evil@empress. internetcds. com
 Maigano1. evil@empress. aol. com
 Arthur Kimes artki. evil@empress. netzero. net
 Betty Hendershot - bettyhendershot. evil@empress. home. com
 H.  Torrance Griffin - htgriffin. evil@empress. yahoo. com

The Evil Empress' Plan of Ultimate World Conquest is bearing the first fruits of success! Witness her inroads into strange and foreign lands with the French translation of the Evil Empress Guide, masterminded by Slightly More than Moderately Trusted Advisor Saladin.