I Envy You Your Things
Blog Written with a loving hand by kitt some time around 18:03 on 18 February 2018I was searching for a box of Papermate Write Bros medium point blue pens on Amazon, the BEST PENS IN ALL THE WORLD, and the ones I've been using for, well, gosh, over a quarter century now, when Jonathan commented to me, "I envy you your things." I found a box, added it to my cart, and turned to look at him.
"You envy me my things? What does that mean?"
"I envy you your things," he repeated. "You have these things that you just know what they are, you have your choices made, and when they run out or wear out, you buy replacements online, you know what works for you. You don't have to think about them, try them out, decide. You have Your Things."
I looked down at my Eddie Bauer boyfriend-cut relaxed-fit size 6 pants, which were curled up a bit, leaned over a bit, pulled them down over my Mizuno Women's Wave Rider size 7.5 running shoes, and wiggled my toes. I've been buying these same running shoes for at least twelve years, more like fifteen. I might own a dozen pairs of these pants, all in the same cut and style. And another dozen of the shorts versions of the pants.
I have a dozen Eddie Bauer long sleeved striped size medium t-shirts in rotation that I wear under a rotating group of American Apparel 50/50 blend size small black t-shirts. My uniform. I suspect I'll wear those out soon, and need to find a new t-shirt.
I have a stack of Muji B5 sized, 6mm lined, sewn binding, kraft cover notebooks sitting near me. By "stack" I mean maybe thirty of them. I rarely buy fewer than ten at a time. My collection of Papermate Write Bros Blue Medium tip pens is becoming smaller, as the supply reduces. The pen is going extinct. I have started my search for a new pen, since these won't last me more than another five years. I'll need a new favorite pen soon.
I buy Patric Dark Milk 58% chocolate monthly. It is the most amazing chocolate ever. It is the yardstick by which I measure all other chocolates.
I have my yellow index cards. Everything I need to do goes on one of those cards, or I lose it. Losing items from my to-do list isn't the worst thing to happen, to be honest. Losing those index cards would be, however.
My drinks are easy, too. Rochefort 8, and only Rochefort 8, for a beer. All others are awful. Aw. Full. Suntory Hibiki whiskey, best whiskey for the dollar. Bubbly water over flat, soda or sparkling, flat is fine if the only other option is a soda. Silver needle white tea. Salt & Straw Honey Lavender every time.
I wear things out, I buy replacements. Sometimes the things I wear out aren't made any more, and then I'm somewhat lost (just ask me about my underwear, that's a story and a half and I'm likely to relearn how to use an overlock just to sew my own underwear I love the brand and style I have so much, and they aren't being made any more). I'll try a bunch before settling on the next Your Things™ thing, but then I'll buy a million of them (exaggerating for effect, but only slightly).
There are some things I'm willing to spend cognitive currency on, and many, many more things that bring me delight, sometimes joy, when I use them. Those latter items are My Things™. And now that I understand what he was commenting on, I have to say, yes, it's okay to envy them.
Broken River
Book Notes Instead of being asleep at 14:38 on 18 February 2018, kitt created this:Finally, a book I know exactly from where I have a recommendation, even if I can't find the exact moment Patrick recommended it. I placed a hold on the book from the library, and had three days to read it before I needed to return it, as the other books I was reading needed finishing first.
And so, from start to finish, less than 24 hours. That in and of itself is an indication that it is an engaging book.
The book has the quirk of the Observer character, the mentioning of which is a non-spoiler about the book, as it shows up in the first ten pages or so. I guess in the perspective of things (first person, third person, third person omniscient, and such), the explicit Observer isn't unusual, but being called out and personified is puzzling. I wanted something to happen with the Observer, some explanation beyond a vehicle for explaining different location and context switching.
I was also weirded out by the father's constant male references to his female family, "dude," "man," and the like. Don't call a woman "Dude."
It was a fun, fast read.
In an act of evident ecstatic abandon, the woman turns a slow circle in the living room, then strips off her clothes. Does the man appear reluctant at first? Alarmed, even? Never mind. He is soon naked as well, and they make love pressed against one of the freshly painted plaster walls. With this act, their faces and bodies seem to assert, we hereby claim this house as ours.
Page 19
...and if a day arrives when the idea of removing all your clothes in someone else’s presence does not horrify her, she thinks that she will not feel compelled to limit herself to one lover.
Page 25
There is also a spiral kitchen staircase with tiny steps you can’t even fit your entire foot onto, and Irina habitually uses it instead of the main one because it is weird.
Page 26
I understand doing things because they are weird.
She is discovering that, with a man’s name, she does not get talked to like the twelve-year-old girl she actually is. She just gets talked to.
Page 36
Which I love. I try very hard to do this, having learned years ago with Kim Wasson's kid. Don't. Talk. Down.
Why? Is this irrational? Is she just being moody? From inside the emotion, it’s impossible to tell.
Page 37
When potential customers walk in, see the crowd, frown, and march back out, Eleanor feels responsible. She wants to leave now in order to accommodate what she perceives as other people’s more pressing needs. But she has identified this quality in herself as a personality flaw, and she doesn’t wish to pass it on to her daughter. So she pretends she belongs here and deserves this table.
Page 43
I understand this need. I often consider it as "thinking wholistically" when really it becomes the subjugation of the self.
Irina lets out a noisy sigh and theatrically slams her book shut. She says, “I don’t think I’m good at reading.”
“That’s silly,” Eleanor replies, with a reflexive strenuousness that unpleasantly reminds her, every time, of her own mother. “You’re a great reader.”
“I start reading a paragraph and then something reminds me of something and by the time I get to the end I realize that I’ve been thinking of the thing in my head and not the thing I just read, and I have to start over!”
Page 47
Her instinct is to reassure, but the truth is that she agrees with Irina, she feels the same way about books: about everything, really. Your favorite things are never good enough. They’re idealized by nature; their favoriteness is derived from Platonic forms, perfect realizations that existed only once, usually the first time, if at all. No book, no meal, no sunny day ever equals the one in your head.
Page 48
Never.
He took two steps and gathered her into his arms. The feeling was extraordinary: like being picked up by a warm gust and deposited on some sunny, grassy hilltop.
Page 51
She figured one of these days the scans wouldn’t be clean anymore. And she did not want that day to come.
Page 52
She loves Karl, but her love never wrung her heart out or made her feel like she would die if it weren’t reciprocated. Of course, that kind of love doesn’t last—just read one of her dumb books—but maybe this kind doesn’t, either.
Page 60
She is aware that all of the things about him that presently vex her—his intensity, amorousness, and imperturbability—are the very things that attracted her to him in the first place.
Page 60
But Irina has already hitched the guitar up onto her shoulder and is pushing her way out the door and into the overcast and mildly stinky fall day. She feels bad for letting the real world seize and dispirit her so quickly.
Page 101
She is going to cry! She is looking forward to this aspect of childhood being over—this thing where you can’t control your emotions and they aren’t even about the things you really care about.
Page 105
The other understanding in her family, usually only spoken under the influence of drink, was that the over-recommended full mastectomy was an instrument of patriarchal domination, a means of controlling the sexual power of women. That in fact breast cancer itself was the world’s response to its poisoning by masculine striving. Men wanted to blame the breasts for getting sick, instead of themselves for polluting them. The full mastectomy was a gendered act of violence, a cowardly expression of projected self-disgust.
Page 157
“I’m so bored.”
“That’s your problem.” It is a philosophical tenet of their family that boredom is an ailment of a lazy mind and not the result of a lack of provided stimulation. It is the unsavory byproduct of bourgeois society.
Page 159
After a moment, Irina says, surprising herself, “Is this what life is going to be like now?”
It is into the chalice of his cupped hands that he mumbles the words “I sure as fuck hope not, dude.”
Page 190
Perhaps it can, in fact, influence events and objects: but how? And what actions might result in which outcomes? The Observer understands this as a problem of equal import and difficulty for the humans: the unpredictability of cause and effect.
Page 194
None of it matters—the coincidences, the connections. Things look connected because everything is connected in a place like Broken River. That’s why people want to leave small towns. Everything reminds them of some stupid shit they did or that was done to them. These people aren’t part of some grand conspiracy. They’re just some fucking losers living in a shit town, like pretty much everybody else on earth.
Page 197
Those are her thoughts. But she keeps them to herself, and Craig goes on talking, as men do.
Page 208
She can imagine how she must look to him right now—fatigued, depleted, disagreeable. Desperate. She doesn’t want to be this way, and neither does he. But here they are.
Page 211
She isn’t sure why she cares. Eleanor does not want to be the kind of person who can become unhinged by jealousy, never imagined that she could be. But maybe when somebody is ready, any available stimulus will do to effect the unhinging.
Page 213
But reading a book, man, that was work. Hours and hours, sitting in a chair or lying in bed, the eyeballs darting back and forth, line after line after line. It would have been an insane mental and physical endurance test.
Page 222
This. Is. Not. Me.
Reading is a joy.
Now, though, the excitement of midnight was gone. It just felt lonely here, lying in bed, being awake for no reason when the rest of world was asleep.
Page 227
“I had these ideas!” she cried; it was late and Father was out in the studio and Mother seemed uncharacteristically happy and relaxed there in her office, with a glass of wine. “And now I don’t like them anymore!”
“That’s because your book grew up while you were writing it.”
“But what do I do?” Irina asked, drawing out the ooooo in dramatic fashion.
“You fix it in the rewrites.”
“How long does that take?”
“Longer than the writing part, usually,” Mother said. “For me.”
Irina whispered, “But I worked so hard.”
“You needed to work hard, to get to the good ideas. The old ideas weren’t bad, they just weren’t what the book wanted to be. It’s okay to write a rough draft. That’s why they’re called that.”
Page 228
“If you’re going to be a writer,” Mother replied, “you’ll learn. Because the thing is, all of the stories we tell ourselves are wrong. All of them.”
Page 229
People come and go and do things impulsively, and they hurt each other and themselves. The outside world doesn’t understand. Do you get that?”
Page 233
“Life is very messy,” Rachel said, “and sometimes it is lonely and painful, but sometimes it is exciting and beautiful. You’re in a lonely part.”
Page 233
It is not necessary to be the way I’ve been, she thinks, as the nurses and doctors swarm and confer, as they ask her questions she hasn’t the slightest idea how to answer. I can be different.
Page 251
I can be different.
Over and over they come together, and if they fail to derive pleasure from these encounters, they find satisfaction in suffering. They are more attached, perhaps, to their suffering than to their pleasure. This stands in direct contradiction to their stated goals, which are those of comity, happiness, calm. But it is pain that gives their lives meaning.
Page 264
The beauty of Craig was that he appreciated everything that happened as it was happening and never betrayed any disappointment when it ended, whether it was a good meal or a professional relationship with one of his writers or half an hour in bed with a woman half his age.
Page 269
But it has understood for some time the folly of wishing to soothe the humans; they are built to feel, and there are feelings they crave, and no amount of information can suppress the emotions they torment themselves with.
Page 270
Stealing Fire
Book Notes Posted by kitt at 19:19 on 17 February 2018I wish I recalled where this book was recommended to me. I don't recall. Likely Tim Ferris, seems like something he'd be into, a shortcut to realizing human potential. I don't mean that in a bad way.
The fundamental theme in this book is that we are all pretty much attempting some sort of mind-alternation. The objective of the mind-alternation can be achievement or escape, depending on the person and the circumstances. And the "we" is pretty much all living, mobile creatures ("mobile" only because we don't have any meaningful way to communicate with the non-mobile living creatures).
The mind-alternation is an alternate state of consciousness where we are connected. And in the connection are we whole.
I really liked the writing in the book. I loved the idea of the book, that we can achieve more with less, even as I cringed at the points where my mind screamed, "But they didn't EARN that, they didn't suffer!" Is that really any different than the students in my classes being frustrated at my blowing the grade curve, again in elementary school, before I was lumped with the people who enjoyed learning? I don't think so, but the difference is that I recognize that "that's not fair" attitude, and accept that while we might be (on paper) equal under the law, we are most definitely not equal.
I read this book quickly. I recommended it to several people before I had even finished it. While achievement is important to me, it might not be to other people, so I'm not sure it was actually received with the enthusiasm I had for it. I strongly recommend this book, though I do wish it had more of the how (besides taking LSD).
Plato described ecstasis as an altered state where our normal waking consciousness vanishes completely, replaced by an intense euphoria and a powerful connection to a greater intelligence.
Page 11
“Grit” is the term psychologists use to describe that mental toughness—a catch-all for passion, persistency, resiliency, and, to a certain extent, ability to suffer.
Page 13
But researchers now know that the center of that target actually correlates to changes in brain function—like brainwaves in the low-alpha, high-theta range—and this unlocks all kinds of new training options.
Page 24
Instead of following the breath (or chanting a mantra or puzzling out a koan), meditators can be hooked up to neurofeedback devices that steer the brain directly toward that alpha/ theta range. It’s a fairly straightforward adjustment to electrical activity, but it can accelerate learning, letting practitioners achieve in months what used to take years.
Page 25
By using the tanks to eliminate all distraction, entrain specific brainwaves, and regulate heart rate frequency, the SEALs are able to cut the
Page 27
time it takes to learn a foreign language from six months to six weeks. For a specialized unit
Page 27
Without all the badgering, we get a real sense of peace. “This peacefulness may result from the fact,” continues Leary, that “without self-talk to stir up negative emotions, the mystical experience is free of tension.” And with tension out of the way, we often discover a better version of ourselves, more confident and clear.
Page 38
The pale that Valentine ventured beyond, call it the Pale of the Church, is an age-old barrier for the spiritually curious. It’s a divide between those who believe that direct access to God should be moderated by a learned elite and those who believe direct access should be available to anyone at any time. Top-down versus bottom-up.
Page 54
They’re suffering from apophenia, “the tendency to be overwhelmed by meaningful coincidence,” and detecting patterns where others see none.
Page 203
“I care not a whit for a man’s religion,” Abraham Lincoln once quipped, “unless his dog is the better for it.”
Page 212
Namely, there’s no
Page 216
escaping the human condition. We’re born, we die, and figuring out the in between can be brutal. As Hemingway reminds us, 25 “the world breaks everyone.”
Page 216
“[Ecstasis] is absolutely ruthless and highly indifferent,” wrote John Lilly. “It teaches its lessons whether you like them or not.”
Page 217
It’s in our brokenness, not in spite of our brokenness, that we discover what’s possible.
Page 218
Anti-Lazy Lent
Blog kitt decided around 18:46 on 15 February 2018 to publish this:Okay, I figured it out, I figured out what I'm giving up for Lent this year.
Being Lazy
Yep, giving up being lazy.
Here's what I'm thinking. Depression is hard to shake. You KNOW what you need to do to move through it and arrive at the other side, but just... can't... do... it. And so you stay there. Exercise is one of those depression shakers. As is doing (something, anything, just start moving forward). Both of these require not being lazy.
Yes, yes, I know. Depression is not the same as being lazy. I know this. I understand how rising from bed some days is a f--king victory. I understand. I also know I need to shake this one, so work with me here, ignore the poor choice of words.
Routines really help you keep going when depression hits. So do thought-out rules: actions and restrictions that make sense, and prevent you from falling too far into the abyss. For example, I have a rule that I can listen to an audiobook, as long as I'm doing another activity such as running, walking, cleaning, folding clothes, bathing the dog, and other non-mental-taxing activities. That's a big one for me. When I break that rule, red flags and sirens go off in my head, DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER, and checking in with myself is very very important at that moment.
Routines, rules, and all that, they go only so far. They haven't gone far enough with this Dark.
And along comes Lent.
So, not being lazy. Those moments when I'm relaxing not for self-care, but for laziness, gone. Those moments when I want to play 10x10, I'll pick up my outline and keep writing. Those moments when I have 15 minutes before the next activity, ponder the serverless perpetual-motion community site I might have a chance to build. Those nights when I look at my step counter and it's only 9600 steps, I'll get up and walk those remaining 2400 steps, instead of thinking, eh, 9600 is close enough.
At this moment, this is the perfect thing to give up for Lent. And close to the hardest thing I'll be able to give up. I'm a day late starting, but day two is done.
And this hot chocolate is delicious.