The Current Shopify Scam


I've received this email from my Shopify store contact form:

Name: Daisy Wright
Body: hi my son-in-law made an order on your store 82 days ago, but still didn't receive it.. this is the order screenshot: https ://[removed] any updates? Thanks regards. Daisy.
Phone: 7113637567

Rather than, you know, f'ing clicking on the link (take away: never, ever click random links from unknown senders), I logged into my store.

HEY LOOK, exactly ZERO orders, much less one 82 days ago, or 42 days ago, or whatever.

So, I downloaded the webpage without, you know, actually viewing it, by using wget

What did we get? Well, look at all these redirects:

Fuck off, Spammer.


Hello. I see that you don't update your blog too often.
I know that writing posts is boring and time consuming.

Fuck off, spammer.

If writing were boring, I wouldn't do it, you asshat.

Everyone spends time. Writing is doing it wisely.

So, yeah, fuck off.

Deconstructing a Spam Comment

Hello Web Admin,

Uh... we are already off to a poor start in our relationship.

I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors,

Likely because I don't give a rat's ass about SEO for this site.

for one you do not use all three H tags in your post,

Indeed. I do not.

also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.

And I notice you like run-on sentences. Not sure what this has to do with your invading my space with spam, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda.

Don't make me goog for this NEW SCARY MAGIC. Oh noes, more than ever!

No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings,

And it hasn't been that way for f'ing years, either.

That didn't take long


All of what, two weeks after I started my quest to become the #1 Kitt on Google (oh, did I forget to mention that part?), I have not only shot up to the front page on such esoteric topics as waiter walks, dyson air blade phx (#1 baby!), and what do you do when you can't go outside (duh! read my blog!), but I've also managed to become the target of a whole bunch of blog spammers.

Whoo! What fun!

Now, I'm 100% sure I haven't managed to block all sources of spam into the site and out of the site, but I've been plugging when they happen. Thankfully, a craptastically large number of people have addressed the issue of blog spam. They've developed a few tricks that make blog spam considerably less of an issue.

So, if you're asked to freshen your arithmetic skills when you try to comment next, embrace the moment. I mean, really, how often do you have to add in your head these days?