spammers

The Current Shopify Scam

Blog

I've received this email from my Shopify store contact form:

Name: Daisy Wright
Email: Daisy1986@mailforce.net
Body: hi my son-in-law made an order on your store 82 days ago, but still didn't receive it.. this is the order screenshot: https ://bit.ly/[removed] any updates? Thanks regards. Daisy.
Phone: 7113637567

Rather than, you know, f'ing clicking on the bit.ly link (take away: never, ever click random links from unknown senders), I logged into my store.

HEY LOOK, exactly ZERO orders, much less one 82 days ago, or 42 days ago, or whatever.

So, I downloaded the webpage without, you know, actually viewing it, by using wget

What did we get? Well, look at all these redirects:

Fuck off, Spammer.

Blog

Hello. I see that you don't update your blog too often.
I know that writing posts is boring and time consuming.

Fuck off, spammer.

If writing were boring, I wouldn't do it, you asshat.

Everyone spends time. Writing is doing it wisely.

So, yeah, fuck off.

Deconstructing a Spam Comment

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Hello Web Admin,

Uh... we are already off to a poor start in our relationship.

I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors,

Likely because I don't give a rat's ass about SEO for this site.

for one you do not use all three H tags in your post,

Indeed. I do not.

also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.

And I notice you like run-on sentences. Not sure what this has to do with your invading my space with spam, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for the moment.

On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda.

Don't make me goog for this NEW SCARY MAGIC. Oh noes, more than ever!

No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings,

And it hasn't been that way for f'ing years, either.

That didn't take long

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All of what, two weeks after I started my quest to become the #1 Kitt on Google (oh, did I forget to mention that part?), I have not only shot up to the front page on such esoteric topics as waiter walks, dyson air blade phx (#1 baby!), and what do you do when you can't go outside (duh! read my blog!), but I've also managed to become the target of a whole bunch of blog spammers.

Whoo! What fun!

Now, I'm 100% sure I haven't managed to block all sources of spam into the site and out of the site, but I've been plugging when they happen. Thankfully, a craptastically large number of people have addressed the issue of blog spam. They've developed a few tricks that make blog spam considerably less of an issue.

So, if you're asked to freshen your arithmetic skills when you try to comment next, embrace the moment. I mean, really, how often do you have to add in your head these days?